


The Last Episode of After Hours

by Leidolette



Category: Cracked: After Hours
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash, very light romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 14:19:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1094942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leidolette/pseuds/Leidolette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gang sees the perfect movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Episode of After Hours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fiercynn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiercynn/gifts).



> Hope you're having a good day! Here's a Yuletide fic.

It is the perfect movie.

Dan, Katie, Michael, and Soren watch, openmouthed, as the end credits roll across the theater screen.

So perfect, in fact, that there is nothing to say about it.

Popcorn crunches under their feet as they shuffle out of the movie theater. As is customary, all four of them pile into the same car and head towards the diner. However, the dead quiet that settles over the car throughout the entire ride is not normal.

They pull up to their usual spot. The buzzing neon sign above the diner seems dimmer tonight, sadder. Their usual table has just been wiped down and gives off the faint odor of bleach. The waiter wanders over after a few minutes and takes their orders.

They stare at each other.

"Sooo..." Katie finally draws out. "That was good."

Voices reluctantly come from around the table:

"Yep."

"Perfect, really."

"The highest form that art can achieve."

Silence overtakes the group again. Katie fiddles with her silverware roll. The distant sound of a metal spatula clanging on the grill comes from the kitchen.

"Anybody want to talk about it?" Dan says, sounding completely disinterested.

"What is there to say? All the plot lines were beautifully wrapped up, the themes were clear and non-contradictory, the actors were fantastic. There was no secret genocide, no implied dystopia, no background crossover, and no conspiracy theories." Soren crosses his arms. "It was pure, self-contained brilliance."

There's a general murmur of agreement.

"Anybody want to talk about something else then?" Dan asks.

Michael groans into his hands. "Every other movie pales in comparison and isn't even worth mentioning in the same breath."

"Yeah, I don't even want to watch another movie for the rest of my life. Or TV show or book," Katie says.

"That's like, the worst thing you could ever say." Dan glares at Katie.

"Well I said it," Katie snaps back. "And it's true, too. That movie was so perfect that it took the fun out of everything."

Dan's face twists into a peevish frown, but it's clear he agrees.

"Now what do we have to talk about?" Michael says plaintively.

There's a beat of silence.

"We could talk.. about our lives?" Dan's voice rises in pitch a little at his confusion.

"But that's not what we do!" Michael says, getting a little upset. "Life stuff is the worst! I don't even know Julian's last name!" Michael gestured across the table.

"I'm Soren, Michael."

"I don't care! I just care that you love bullies from 80's teen movies and that you would kill to star in a movie where your character wrestles a snow leopard -- and that's all anyone here at the table needs to know about each other."

"Michael, you know our names. You've met my and Katie's families," Dan says.

"Okay! Fine, I know your names and stuff. But this is our thing! Meeting at the diner and getting irrationally worked up over movies, and now it's gone."

That part of Michael's tantrum struck a chord and the four of them stare glumly as the waiter sets their food down on the table.

"Kind of quiet tonight over here," the waiter says has he straightens back up and wipes a hand on his apron. "That's not like you. Normally we can't even fill the tables next to you, you guys talk so loud."

"It's been a bad night," Soren says, not making eye contact.

"You know, I got a movie you all could talk about. I just saw it yesterday and it was fantastic. Probably the best movie that I've ever --"

Michael drops his head face-down onto the table and lets out something like a hysterical laugh, the edge of his hairline just barely touches his mashed potatoes. The waiter decides that this group has always been kind of bullshit and leaves them to it. He should have learned from last time anyways.

Dan reaches across the table and gives Michael's shoulder a short, encouraging squeeze. "Michael, you just got a concussion last month. You probably shouldn't be pounding your head on things."

"Maybe if I do it again I'll forget I ever saw that stupid, awful, perfect movie. Then things could go back to normal," Michael moans, but reluctantly lifts his head up.

"Aw, Michael, you'll probably just lose all your memories of third grade," says Katie, not without pity.

"Wow, I didn't think that Michael would be the one taking this the hardest. Thought for sure that would be Dan." Soren gives Dan a hearty slap on the back, and doesn't take his hand away. Dan seems pleased and annoyed at the same time.

"Me too!" Katie says.

"Yes, okay, I get it you all think that I'm unable to handle normal stuff without the filter of pop culture, thanks."

"Hey, that's not exactly what --" Soren tries valiantly.

"Nope! That's what I meant. I meant he's weird," Katie says.

"Oh, fuck you guys," Dan grouches.

"Wait! Are we all calling Dan weird now? Because I would like to jump on this bandwagon right away." Michael takes a deep breath, presumably to power the avalanche of insults that he is about to hurl at Dan.

"No!" Dan nearly shouts, holding up one hand. "That's not what we're doing. We're trying to figure out what to do now that our lives have no joy or meaning to them."

"Oh," Michael says, deflating. "That's less fun."

"Sorry to disappoint," Dan says sarcastically.

"I thought we were finally going to all hurl racial slurs at each other at the top of our lungs. You know, like normal people."

"What exactly do you think normal people talk about?" Soren asks, squinting at him.

Michael's face scrunches up like he's taking a particularly hard test. "Sex?"

"We'll you're sort of right, but I suspect you'd say that in response to almost every question."

"Wait!" Katie says. "If rom-coms and Teen Vogue have raised me right -- and they have -- the one thing that _all_ friends _everywhere_ do is talk about their romantic relationships."

"Yes, let's talk about our love lives!" Michael says, apparently having gotten over his earlier melancholy.

"No." Soren scowls, and lets his hand finally fall from Dan's back.

Dan doesn't seem to notice and glares at Michael. "No one wants to hear about your and Katie's terrible and baffling relationship."

"Hey! That's ancient history. Mostly," Katie says as she picks a little piece of mashed potato out of Michael's hair and sticks it in her mouth. Soren and Dan wince.

"Okay, if neither of you want to participate I'll just have to help things along." Katie puts her fingers to her temple like she is reading minds. "Let's discuss... the reason that Soren hasn't had sex in like six months."

Soren nearly does a spit-take. "How did you...why would you even say that?"

"I sensed it," she says with a gesture towards her head. "Duh."

"Really?" Dan's face is open as he turns to Soren. "But you're... _you_."

Normally that would practically be an invitation for Soren to remind them all just how much cooler he was than everyone at the table, but he just says a stunned "What?"

Dan looks like he wants to slap himself in the face, and instead declines to answer by turning his gaze back to other side of the table. "Changed my mind. Let's hear all about your nauseating exploits.

Michael perks up. "Want to hear a list of places that me and Katie did it? We can make a game of it! Guess which one isn't true: the zoo, the White House, a tractor expo, Dan's parent's house, NASA mission control --"

"This is exactly what I was afraid of," mutters Dan.

"--a nursing home, a Huey Lewis and the News concert --"

"Okay, here are our options," Soren says. He has squared his shoulders and is using his 'leader' voice, the one that he seems to think will inspire them to greatness but really just inspires them to make fun of him a little bit. "We could disband, right here, right now. All of us can go our separate ways and we never talk to each other again. Just completely ignore this chapter of lives, period."

"Hmm... Needlessly drastic," Michael says, "I like it!"

"Or," Soren continues on a little louder. "We can find some other hobby to talk about. Something that has nothing to do with movies or pop culture."

Nobody says anything. Katie makes a face.

"Well, that's it then. I guess we just sit here." He slumps back in defeat.

Dan lets out a short bark of laughter.

Everybody else looks at him incredulously.

Dan holds his hands up defensively. "No! I'm sorry, it's just that... remember in the movie's introduction it had that really flowery script? It kind of made 'sit' look like 'shit'. I just remembered that."

"That seriously made you laugh, like an hour later?" Katie says.

"That movie is so good, so perfect, and right in the first thirty seconds it accidentally says 'the man who would change the world _shits_ in the banquet hall.'"

"Oh my god," Katie whispers. "That's hilarious."

The four of them go absolutely apeshit. All of them are laughing uncontrollably, Michael's pounding the table hard enough to shake it dangerously, and Soren has honest-to-god tears streaming down his face. The waiter rolls his eyes from his spot behind the counter. It seems like forever before they calm down.

"You know what's extra weird?" Dan's voice is hoarse from laughter. "I think they used the same font as Sleepy Hollow, the Johnny Depp movie. That font is supposed to be Ichabod Crane's handwriting."

"So, that implies that Ichabod Crane exists in the movie we just saw. How would that even work?" Soren says.

"This is just off the cuff, but I have a theory --"

The waiter hands them their bill.


End file.
